Annuals and Perennials

Hello,

The Gottman Institute, which studies relationships extensively, explains in their post,"Managing Conflict: Solvable vs. Perpetual Problems," that “sixty-nine percent of relationship conflict is about perpetual problems.” In other words, most conflict is not something you solve once and move on from. It is something you return to.

Perennial problems are not the same as solvable problems, which are situational. They arise, you address them, and you move forward. They might require effort or compromise, but there is a path to resolution. Think, “What’s for dinner tonight?” or “Should we repaint the living room?” Addressing the one-off conflicts that may arise is important, but these issues are not enduring.

Perpetual problems are different. They are rooted in fundamental differences in personality or lifestyle. You might be married to someone for decades and still not see eye to eye on how you approach money, time, or decision-making. The goal is not to eliminate those differences, but to learn how to live with them in a healthy way.

What matters most is whether you can stay in conversation about them. When you cannot, the issue becomes gridlocked, and that is where relationships begin to break down. So the goal is not resolution with a capital R. It is learning how to stay in relationship with the tension.

Leadership Is Full of Perennial Tensions

If you think this post is about marriage, you are mistaken. In fact, the concept of perennial conflict has been on my mind recently as I have been thinking about leadership.

There are certainly annual challenges in leadership. A project that needs to be completed. A schedule that needs to be adjusted. A one-time conflict between team members. A process that needs clarification. These are real, and they matter, but they are ultimately solvable.

But many of the most significant challenges in leadership are not like that because they are perennial. They show up again and again, regardless of your experience level, your context, or how much progress you have made.

What makes these challenges so persistent is that they are not problems you can solve and move on from. They are tensions you have to manage in real time, often without a clear signal that you are getting it right. You are balancing your own preferences with the need to trust others to take ownership. You are trying to be clear about what you want while also calibrating how hard to push without becoming overbearing or, on the other end, too passive. You are maintaining integrity to the goal while also paying attention to the climate, the culture, and the emotions of the people around you, all while your own internal voice is often asking whether it would be easier to take the path of least resistance.

Examples of Perennial Leadership Challenges

Even if you recognize these patterns, it can still be difficult to name them. The internal, perennial leadership conflicts below are just some that show up repeatedly.

• Visibility vs. Focused Work: You need to be visible, accessible, and present for your team. At the same time, the most important parts of your work often happen behind the scenes. There is no version of leadership where you get to choose one fully over the other.

• Delegation vs. Efficiency: You know you should delegate to build capacity in others. At the same time, it is often faster and easier to do something yourself, especially if it is a one-off task. You are constantly weighing short-term efficiency against long-term investment.

• Autonomy vs. Alignment: You want people to think independently and take ownership. You also need coherence, consistency, and shared direction. Too much autonomy leads to fragmentation. Too much direction limits growth.

• Support vs. Accountability: You care about people and want to understand their circumstances. At the same time, the work matters, and expectations need to be met. Holding both at the same time is not straightforward.

• Stability vs. Change: People need predictability and clarity. They also need growth and innovation. Pushing too hard in either direction creates its own problems.

• Perfection vs. Progress: You want the work to be high quality and reflect your standards. At the same time, waiting for something to be perfect can slow momentum or prevent others from learning through doing. You are constantly deciding when something is good enough to move forward and when it needs more refinement.

None of these have a permanent solution. You do not figure them out once and move on. You revisit them, adjust, and recalibrate over time.

What Actually Helps

If these challenges are not going away, then the work shifts. It becomes less about solving and more about awareness. Am I noticing when I am in one of these tensions? Am I reacting out of habit, or making a deliberate choice?

For me, that often involves talking things through with other people. I am a verbal processor, so I seek out perspective. I test my thinking. I name what I am trying to do differently and ask others to help me stay accountable.

For example, when I started my position this August, I told my assistant that she was in charge of my calendar because I am my own worst enemy when it comes to over-scheduling. I told her she needed to be my bouncer. My email signature even directs people to her for scheduling. Nevertheless, when people reach out to me directly, I still respond and add things to my own calendar instead of redirecting them.

Which is how I end up right back where I started.

That is the work. Trying something new, falling back into old patterns, and trying again. Over time, progress becomes more consistent, even if it is subtle.

Conflict Is Not Just External

During my time as an English teacher, I taught the various types of conflict: person vs. person, person vs. nature, person vs. society, and person vs. self.

Interestingly, when I reflect on ongoing issues, I often realize that what seems like a conflict with another person is frequently an example of an internal conflict within myself.

Hear me out. Even when conflict shows up between two people, it is often driven by internal differences. Your values, your instincts, your preferences, and your patterns come into contact with someone else’s.

That is why these issues do not go away. They are not just about the other person. They are about you. Once you start to see conflict as being about you versus yourself, it becomes easier to recognize the same pattern in other areas of your life.

Commitment Over Resolution

I want to come back to where we started, with the idea that most conflict in relationships is perpetual. Not because something is broken, but because it is human.

In a healthy marriage, you do not walk away simply because there are differences that never fully resolve. You learn how to stay in it. You learn how to return to the conversation. You learn how to live with tension without needing it to disappear.

Leadership is no different.

The tensions you experience are not signs that you are doing it wrong. They are signs that you are in it. Just like in relationships, the goal is not to eliminate the friction. It is to stay engaged with it. That is what makes this work both frustrating and meaningful. You will revisit the same patterns. You will catch yourself slipping into old habits. You will recalibrate, again and again. Not because you failed to solve it, but because it was never meant to be solved in the first place.

The work is the return. Not resolution, but perennial commitment.

~Heather

P.S. Life does not always go according to plan. Sometimes it changes in an instant.

That is why my Catch of the Week this week is the doctors and nurses in the NICU at Strong Memorial Hospital in Rochester, New York. My younger sister recently welcomed her baby at 34 weeks. Both she and the baby were healthy, but baby Eva was small and needed extra support, spending two and a half weeks in the NICU. What was meant to be a joyful, straightforward moment quickly became something more uncertain and stressful.

What stood out through it all was the care team. The doctors and nurses who showed up not just with expertise, but with compassion, patience, and reassurance. They cared for baby Eva with incredible skill, and just as importantly, they cared for my sister and her husband as they navigated an experience they had not expected.

In moments like that, you see people at their best. Steady, capable, and deeply human. I am especially grateful for those who support the smallest patients and the families who love them.

P.P.S. Please remember to...

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