Hard Conversations Made Easier
- Heather Lyon
- 16 hours ago
- 4 min read
Hello,
I recently came across a quote from Dr. Caroline Leaf that really pushed my thinking.
Upon reading it the first time, I thought, "YES!" This is why some of my hard and uncomfortable conversations haven't been successful! Then, I started to question the quote, especially the aspect of "will only be successful..." If that's the case, should we avoid hard and uncomfortable conversations with people who lack emotional intelligence? These are often the people who most need a hard and uncomfortable conversation. Therefore, I felt conflicted. While I believe that hard and uncomfortable conversations are easier with people who are emotionally intelligent, the quote made me feel helpless.
Why Conflict Matters
I’m someone who believes deeply in the power of conflict. In fact, I’d even say conflict is essential for progress. My thinking on this goes back to Patrick Lencioni’s The Five Dysfunctions of a Team. One of the core dysfunctions he identifies is the avoidance of conflict. When team members hold back concerns out of fear—whether fear of retaliation, embarrassment, or wasted effort—those concerns don’t disappear. They fester.
Amy Edmondson’s research on psychological safety in The Fearless Organization makes this point vividly. She writes about two hospitals: one with very high self-reports of mistakes, and one with very low self-reports. Instinctively, most of us would rather go to the “low mistake” hospital. Surprisingly, the safer hospital is actually the one where mistakes are frequently reported. Why? Employees there feel safe enough to admit errors without fear of punishment. Not surprisingly, when people are honest, everyone learns.
The same is true for teams: silence isn’t a sign of agreement. It’s often a sign of fear.
Inviting Healthy Conflict
Good leaders don’t shy away from conflict. They invite it constructively. Sometimes this looks like asking for a devil’s advocate. My personal favorite is drawing on the concept of the 10th Man from World War Z: if nine people agree, the 10th must raise a counterpoint (read my post, “Zombie Problems” for more about this strategy).
When I lead, I tell teams:
We have the right to disagree in this space.
We have the responsibility to support the decision once it’s made.
I’d rather have a “resistor” at the planning table than a room full of bobbleheads, only to be sabotaged later during implementation.
The Catch: Emotional Intelligence
Here’s where Dr. Leaf’s quote comes back. Sometimes, despite doing all the right things, e.g., welcoming resistors, encouraging openness, and modeling honesty, the conversation still collapses. If emotional intelligence is missing, the conversation is negatively impacted.
In the post, "How to Deal with a Difficult Person + Tips to Protect Your Mental Health," Dr. Leaf points out that when someone lashes out or refuses to listen, our instinct is often to feel personally attacked. Unfortunately, taking on a victim mentality only derails the conversation. Instead, she suggests reminding yourself that the other person may not even be aware of how distorted their thinking or behavior has become. It’s not about excusing bad behavior; it’s about refusing to let their mindset dictate your response.
When Vulnerabilities Are Weaponized
I’ve seen this firsthand in my own life. One of my children has, at times, weaponized other people’s vulnerabilities, hurling them back as though it’s a show of strength. It’s not. It’s a lack of emotional intelligence.
This doesn’t just happen at home. I’ve worked with and for people who have behaved similarly in professional settings by using vulnerabilities as weapons in meetings or one-on-one conversations. It’s corrosive to trust and team culture, and it always reveals a lack of emotional intelligence.
That’s why managing our expectations, another of Dr. Leaf’s strategies, is so critical. When dealing with people who lack emotional intelligence, we can’t assume they’ll respond with empathy or maturity. Setting realistic expectations protects us from unnecessary frustration.
A Better Approach to Hard Conversations
This is where Jefferson Fisher’s work resonates with me. In his book The Next Conversation: Argue Less, Talk More, Fisher, a Texas attorney turned communication coach, offers a three-part system:
Say it with control
Say it with confidence
Say it to connect
Even when others lack emotional intelligence, we can be the emotionally intelligent ones. We can choose our words carefully. We can maintain composure. We can focus on connection over winning.
Connection doesn't mean we sacrifice ourselves to the mercy of others. Dr. Leaf says we have to protect our own mental health. Sometimes that looks like pausing, setting clearer boundaries, or even stepping back. Being the emotionally intelligent person in the conversation also means protecting your own capacity to engage.
My Revision of the Quote
So, after sitting with Dr. Leaf’s words, here’s how I’d revise her quote:
Hard and uncomfortable conversations are more easily successful with emotionally intelligent people. You can choose to be the emotionally intelligent person in the conversation.
That’s a distinction that matters. While we can’t control other people’s emotional intelligence, we can control our own. Sometimes, that’s enough to move the conversation forward.
~Heather
P.S. This week, I’m catching new teachers—the ones who are learning, stretching, and growing in real time. The early years of teaching can be both exhilarating and overwhelming, and having the right encouragement makes all the difference. That’s why I was thrilled to join New Teacher Talk for Episode 153: The Power of Positive Language in the Classroom.
If you’re a new teacher, or if you mentor and support them, this podcast is a fantastic resource filled with tips, stories, and strategies designed to help teachers thrive. I’d love for you not only to listen to my episode but to subscribe so you don’t miss future conversations that matter for educators.
🎧 Find New Teacher Talk on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or Podbean.
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